We operate in marriage many times based on our own past hurts and oftentimes don’t even realize it. Identifying areas of struggle for ourselves individually is the first step to healing. Instead of resorting to “I always react to…” or “I could never…”, I want to challenge you to begin to question, “Why” we do things. There may be undealt with trauma that we never recognized as trauma in our lives before.
First let’s redefine trauma. Trauma is any event that is beyond a person’s ability to master at the time. Only when we can look at trauma through a broader lens can we begin to take away the power these painful events have had in dictating the direction of our life.
Next we have to understand that there are different types of trauma or damage. There is big “T” Trauma and what we call little “t” trauma.
Big “T” Trauma includes major events that the majority of people would see as traumatic. They often include beliefs, emotions and physical sensations that occur in both the mind and body.
Some examples of big “T” Trauma include:
- Robbery
- Rape
- Serious accidents
- Natural disasters
- Urban violence
- Major surgeries
- Life threatening illnesses
- Chronic or repetitive experiences such as child abuse or neglect
- War or combat
- Divorce
These traumatic experiences need to be handled as a grief of sorts and we must face them and allow God and time to heal us properly. These experiences may cause PTSD in some people.
Little “t” trauma is often referred to as complex trauma because it is just that. Often overwhelming but seldom seen as trauma, little t trauma left unprocessed can have long lasting, negative effects. Unprocessed it can cause concentration, self-esteem and emotional regulation difficulties.
Some examples of small “t” trauma include:
- Children’s exposure to pornographic material
- Exposure to repetitive manipulative behavior
- Verbal abuse or misuse
- Emotional neglect
- Being dominated or controlled
- Being critically judged
- Humiliation or ridicule
A person may withstand a big T trauma but be so weakened that it is a small t trauma that finally causes his or her coping abilities to collapse.
Unresolved issues from our past ALWAYS show up in our future and often in toxic ways in our relationships. It will often stunt our emotional growth and color our perceptions and color our perceptions.
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