The urge to be understood is part of human nature. Emotional bridges are built through learning to validate others. The basis for emotional safety is built by establishing these basic connections. It is because of this safety that we are able to open up and speak fully with our partner in a calm and impartial manner. It is healing to our partner rather than harming them with our remarks.
Validation happens when we acknowledge that other individuals can have their own emotional experiences. “It must be tough and unpleasant to have anything like that happen,” for example, might sound supporting. Validation does not mean agreeing with them; rather, it means ensuring them that their feelings are legitimate and acceptable.
If you order a product and someone calls to confirm that you received it, you might say, “Yes, I got the package.” You are only confirming that you received the package. You are not confirming that the contents in the package are in good shape. You are not confirming that the contents are what you ordered. You are only confirming that you have the package.
Likewise, validation is confirming that the other person has specific feelings. We are not confirming that their feelings are right, or correct, or even okay. We are also not confirming that we are wrong.
Simply stated, “We are confirming that they have just received an emotional package.” The challenge is to allow them to open the emotional package the way they want to open it.
Examples of Validating Statements:
Try to validate the feelings the person has shared. Since we don’t know for sure what the person is feeling, use words that are gentle and open to possibilities.
- “It must be very difficult to be in this situation.”
- “I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through.”
- “It seems like things were going well and then this happened.”
When we attempt to validate, we want to use a lot of hedge words or possibilities so we are exploring with the person what they are experiencing. After a statement of validation is shared, stop and listen to what the person says next and then try to help justify those feelings. Continue this process until the person feels understood.
People feel understood without the listener ever using the words “I understand” because we are confirming their feelings and emotions. Saying to someone, “I understand,” is typically unhelpful communication and tends to minimize their feelings. How can we possibly understand what someone else is going through even if we have had a similar experience? We really don’t know what it is like for them and we need to learn what they have experienced. Saying, “I understand how you feel” only says to the other person that you haven’t a clue to what they are saying. Avoid saying “I understand how you feel” at all costs!
Generally, when people feel understood they are more open to receiving help and locating a place of calm within their soul. Once this is achieved, they gain the emotional and spiritual strength they need to deal with the challenge.
It is important to remember the purpose of validating. Validation nurtures emotional safety, honesty and the expression of underlying emotions. Bringing about feelings of being understood, establishes a basis for emotional safety. Simply put, when people feel emotionally safe to share vulnerable feelings and thoughts, they share more. When they share more, we love more, and are more likely to help them in a supportive, non-threatening way that gets at the root of the problem. For help in communicating and connecting see our course here.
Validation is one of the top 4 ways to create closeness:
- Validation
- Active listening, speak in a neutral, non-character assassinating way
- A sincere apology
- Giving your “Action Plan” everything you’ve got!
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