If you go through all of our articles, you’ll notice a recurring theme: communication. Relationships are founded on communication, and just like a structure without a solid foundation would collapse, so will our relationships. Communication is an important skill that, like any other, takes a lot of effort to master (see our course here). Are you aware of the manner in which you and your spouse communicate?
Consider the last time your partner made you feel misunderstood. What effect did it have on you? When the people we care about don’t understand us, we often feel unwanted and underappreciated. Over 95 percent of the couples that come to us for intensive coaching have inadequate communication skills. As a result, neither partner feels loved or understood.
If you think your marriage is suffering from a lack of communication, you’ll recognize some of the following bad communication If you think your marriage is suffering from a lack of communication, you’ll recognize some of the following bad communication habits:
- Not Paying Attention
- Interrupting
- Inappropriate or offensive nonverbal communication (93% of all communication is non-verbal)
- Not listening
- Yelling
- Talking over the other person and not allowing them the opportunity to respond
The list could go on indefinitely. The strange thing about bad marriage communication is that many of us remember a period when we communicated well. You probably cannot recall thinking to yourself as a newlywed, “Man, our communication really is off,” or “He simply doesn’t get me.” One might argue that we were better communicators when we wanted to be better communicators.
Another factor to consider is that communication skills are required not only in our relationships, but also in our careers, our churches, our friendships, and with our children. So, perhaps it’s not our bad communication that’s causing us to feel distant from one another; rather the gap we’ve created has caused us to care more about what we’re trying to convey than what our partner is attempting to say to us. “You can be right or you can be happily married, it’s your choice,” as we say in our practice.
What does this imply for your relationship? Everybody’s scenario is different. Some couples may have to relearn how to communicate, while others will be learning how to interact for the first time. The positive habits stated below are excellent techniques to improve your communication skills, but the best case scenario is that you will employ them because you are really interested in improving your communication skills in your relationship.
A few of these are:
- Ask good questions. If you don’t understand something, ask. You’ll be heading in the wrong path if you incorrectly infer what your spouse intends. When you ask questions, you may show your curiosity while also explaining things to avoid misunderstandings.
- Be a great listener. Active listening could include nodding and asking questions that demonstrate your interest in your partner. You may either ask your companion to expound on key points or contribute to the conversation. Remember, that’s what we’re attempting to achieve here: a dialogue. Allowing your spouse to speak is crucial, but that doesn’t mean you can’t participate as long as you’re mostly listening.
- Try not to interrupt, unless it’s out of excitement and enthusiasm for what your partner is saying. Interrupting implies that you were not paying attention since you were preoccupied with what you wanted to say next.
- Pay attention to your partner’s body language. Keep an eye out for signs of how your spouse is feeling. Do they seem tense? Nervous? If that’s the case, what can you do to assist them to unwind?
- Be interested in what your spouse is saying. The goal is to show genuine interest in what they’re saying. Keep your spouse’s emotions front and center in your thoughts when you’re having trouble doing so.
If you and your spouse have gotten in the habit of communicating poorly with each other, it may not seem natural to put good habits into practice again. Using the tips above can help to forge a bridge back to good communication, but you may find that it helps your marriage to make an effort to just talk more. Set aside times to sit down without distractions, pick a topic, and discuss it. You may be surprised at what happens. For additional help see our Next Steps page.
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